So it's the last day of February. You made it one more day gone one more month conquered, but until what? Until your kids are grown, you've found your soul mate, or you've reached the ultimate financial or social status. What are you waiting for to live? I often find myself slipping into a pattern of just waiting for something to happen. Now I've been doing work so the duration isn't as long as it once was and I'm certainly looking forward to day that fully living is just what I do.
I had one of these episodes about the end of December the first part of January. I just wanted to make it through the day, through the month, through the winter.... My soul loves sunshine so the winter months can be harsh for me. I just want to hibernate through and then come out with the sun in a few months. I think Heavenly father knew I needed a spring like February this year.
I can't tell you the exact day that I recognized my pattern of just existing but I can tell you I saw it and knew I wasn't loving myself enough to live life fully. I find that when I'm self critical/hating on myself, I tend to find this mode of survival easy to slip into. It's like that comfy pair of sweat pants that just make you feel better when you're sick. You know the ones I'm talking about fleece lined love being in them curled up on the couch pants. Okay back to hating on myself. I was seeing all the flaws, why can't I just find that special someone? Is there something wrong with me? I probably just gained about 20 lbs over the holidays. Gosh why can't I treat my body better? I'll spare you the rest of the gory details. I think you get the gist.
I really wanted to meet a the guy through December I put my hopes and dreams up on a pedestal and thought if I had enough faith and worked hard enough. You know put myself "out there" it would all work itself out. I joined a dating site, put the word out to everyone that is anyone and even tried my hand at the singles ward. Long story short... dead end after dead end, not even a single date came out of it. "My plan" wasn't working and the bad toxic self talk crept in seeping through every shattered thought and dream and the hibernation began.
I wasn't loving myself friends I was being down right nasty and one night I just broke. tears, heartache, grief. My loving friend and roommate just happened to be there to assist in picking up the pieces and read me this quote.
"He's not waiting for us to be perfect. Perfect people don't need a Savior. He came to save us in our imperfections. He is the Lord of the living, and the living make mistakes. He's not embarrassed by us. angry at us or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and our grief."
I had gotten the quote in a relief society lesson a few weeks earlier and it had touched me then, but when she read it to me I felt this rush of love pore into my soul. I felt the pure love of Christ rush in and sweep out all the bad thoughts. I remembered who I am and that I have a loving Heavenly Father. He has an amazing and loving plan for me. I chose then to begin loving myself and fully living life again. It's a choice my loving sisters. Choose to Love the life you have it's the only one you've got. Choose to Be present, live in the now and enjoy it. Choose to hold gratitude for the frustration and trials in life because he's got a better plan for us then we do for ourselves. Choose to love yourself with the same pure love that our Heavenly Father loves you with.